| Home again home again |
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| 11:53am 15/01/2006 |
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mood:  high music: Love you
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Well my mom is gone for about 3 months and I'm enjoying living here. Larry is living here with me and I'm enjoying that even more. 'Cept that he's not feeling so good right now, but I bet he'll get better. No one has come to see me yet and it kind of sucks but I'm actually perfectly fine with just spending time with Larry for awhile. Next weekend maybe I'll party 'cause I'll tell my friends they have plans. Went into PG the day before yesterday and it wasn't very much fun because I'm so uncomfortable there now. Well, not at Larry's house, but yeah. Brittany is coming over tonight to eat pizza and watch tv and I betcha it'll be fun. I like her. I talked to MK yesterday and she was funny. She wouldn't look at me or really even speak and I wonder what was wrong. Makes me feel sad though kinda. I betcha that'll be ok too though, so no worries. Any fuckin' way. I'm off to get ready for work. Adios. |
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(4 fractures | i will fall for your words) |
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| 02:27pm 06/10/2005 |
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mood:  calm music: Miranda Lambert - New Strings
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I read your entry because you know I'll always be interested in what and how you are doing. When I came to the end, you wouldn't have had to make the direct references that you did for me to know you were talking about me. If I could go back there are a lot of things I would do differently too. Isn't that what growing up is about? It's only a mistake if you don't learn from it. And maybe I didn't learn before but it's carved in my fucking heart now and I'll be damned if I will let anyone's feelings about it get to me. I wouldn't have known if I didn't live it. You question me about school and that's fine. Because I don't need anyone to believe in me but myself. Thank you for caring enough to be concernced I guess. School didn't keep my interest then like I thought, but what has? That's a part of finding out who I really am. I refuse to think I was saying I am better than you, I was trying to point out the hypocrisy in your actions. You hate Josh for who I am today, and I can't say that I love him for who I am, but it's only making me stronger for me. I've been strong for everyone else I love my entire life. Somewhere in your heart you know that the turmoil between you and I is pointless. Somewhere in your heart you have compassion for me and you know it's not either of our places to judge. My heart of gold is gleaming just as brightly as it once was, and I'm feeling good. Somewhere in your heart I hope that makes you feel good.
My morals are still the same. I stand my ground. What once was important to me still is. I do have contact with the twins and the queen and those that matter to me. I wouldn't be trying to keep contact with you if it didn't matter to me and somehow you should know that too.
Sweet like a kiss sharp like a razor blade
I find you when Im close to the bottom
You cant appreciate the time it takes
To kick a love I always knew was kind of wrong
And as Im putting out the flame
Somebody brings up your name
Oh oh oh oh
Baby baby baby bring me down
I want to be right where you are
Baby baby baby bring me down
You can look me in the eye and break my heart
Break my heart
Six AM unruffled pillow
Laughs out loud at my trusting heart
Its like I didnt see the penny
I missed the fountain by a couple yards
If you would only stay gone
Maybe I could move on |
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(3 fractures | i will fall for your words) |
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| hoody hoo |
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| 02:51pm 09/08/2005 |
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well today has been full of non events. i slept from like 12 till 2 something.. got a call back on my job :o) i have an interview tomorrow at 1. cant get a hold of mom and dad...there phone is off or something... kinda sucks b/c now we have no clue where they are... spech since they started like hours behind...so they maybe atleast be gettin into st louis now...and that means it will be like 10 b4 they get back... but i dont know... stacey leaves in like 2 min... :o( thats sad...still havent heard a word from jason...bitch. i should go out and finish mowing... but i feel so tired...and i dont wana piss my tummy off. oh i got my surgery packet today lol. there gonna stick something up me... i dont like that thought...least ill be out cold... they also make 3 cuts... like below the belt line, but we will see what happens... they say they dont give me an iv till i go to the surgery waiting pre op room or something... lol i dont think so! well actually its only 3 hours that i have to wait... i hope i dont loose this job b/c of this surgery. oh oh but they can like fix a lot of things that can be wrong and i know i have 2 of them wrong.. so thats good...i know i have endometriosis..and im pretty sure i have adhesions (scar tissue) girls who play/ed sports can have a lot of scar tissue...ima have an x right below my bellybutton since i have had something like this done b4..but they have to cut in the same spot, thats just creepy. well im gonna pop a pain pill and try to not sleep for a few hours... wonder if tall fuck will ever call. hes so fired! |
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(i will fall for your words) |
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| 10:52am 09/08/2005 |
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mood:  crazy
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Found a better Haiku :o) I'm so bored. Waiting to go babysit til 8pm and then hopefully getting drunk W/Tiff and Josh. I dunno if it'll happen though, I know we gotta clean up Josh's mom's house, cause they come back tomorrow night.
The 7th was my dad's birthday. I called him, but no answer. I left a message, but he hasn't returned my call. I fucking love it.
Anyway, Have a wonderful day. :o) |
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(i will fall for your words) |
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| 08:29am 14/07/2005 |
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mood:  content
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At laaaaaaaaaaast, my loooooove has come along-
Actually it's the same as always, but that song is stuck in my head. I read some peoples' journals and all I can do is laugh. Life sucks sometimes, huh. But there are a few people that tried to stick by you, while you made decisions to fuck up the girl I used to know and love. Boys do change you, but it's sticking by the people that you really care about that makes all the difference. Even if you don't agree with what they are doing at that very moment. Karma has come back 10-fold. BY THE WAY-you don't get a diploma til you pick it up from the highschool office. Wasn't it you who told me drinking, let alone drinking and driving, was stupid!? Hope that doesn't kill you. Plus, *cliche* what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger. Do you feel that way now? Stronger? Alone and continuing to lose people important to you...
You wouldn't know the first thing about being loyal. And neither would she. You two will be perfect together.
I have quit smoking pot for the first time since I started. And I have to say, I'm doing great. I don't really miss it, and at least I do really know that I have control over myself and my feelings. I can't deny that smoking a joint would be nice, but I'm helping Josh quit for this job that he wants, and I'm totally willing to help any way I can. Tada!
Once you have been isolated from everyone and everything you know, only then will you know what it's like to hurt. CheeriO! |
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(i will fall for your words) |
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| Jazz is such a bitch. |
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| 10:01am 06/07/2005 |
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mood: content music: Brad Paisley - Whiskey Lullaby
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But I'm doin' it just to hear you yell...
Woke up 2 and a half hours ago. Stoned. Bored. Tired. That's me.
Garrett just woke up and we're chillin' in his mama's room on the computer. Well, he's on her bed snoring again, but yeah. Their cat is so funny. She was laying at my feet being pissy when I touched her but now she's just sitting up stairing at me all mean like. I'm downloading Will Smith for Garrett...cause it's gay...I don't know. Haha and I just heard "don't download, go out and buy the record".
I'll be babysitting today and tomorrow but then I'm done! Yippee. Brandi told me about a job at the Bank of Fayetteville and she said she would even pee for me to pass the drug test. I should just quit smoking for a little bit. Would probably be worth it. But if I just babysit for Tania the rest of the summer I'll have some money and still be able to hang out all day. I'm so fucking lazy. I don't have any motivation right now.
Got a doctors appointment at 1:15 and he has to go with me. Afterwards we're going to GameStop so he can buy a new game. How exciting.
Mk's back! |
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(i will fall for your words) |
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| Hurry up and wait. |
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| 08:20am 27/06/2005 |
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mood:  hopeful music: Mercedes - Crazy Bout Ya
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I'm wishing for a.. Hell, I don't know.
I was just watching In A Fix, and it's actually really shitty that I'm up right now. I've been up since 6:30, because I had to get up to come babysit. I was going to say that the only perk is that I got to smoke on my way here, but I guess there are more than that. Garrett is 10 years old and can take care of himself. I can eat whatever I want. :o) I get to go swimming when the sun completely comes up. *Sigh* I get to have fun being bored.
I'm glad that Larry and Chris' dad is getting out of the hospital. I feel really bad because I didn't call him or try to see him while he was there. Hospitals are scary, at least for me, and I bet he needed all the support he could get. But then I remind myself that I'm the EX girlfriend and it probably would be awkward if Larry was there when I went or something, even though it's not about him. I can't imagine big Larry would refuse me though. God damn it. I hate that he doesn't want to talk to me. It's all my fault anyway, but I just.. I just want to hear from him. My toes are cold and I still miss him.
I'm trying to download some good songs to burn a cd while I'm here, but this computer is on Dial-Up and it's taking forever. Download Mercedes - Crazy About You
DAMN HIM! Garrett's waking up. |
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(2 fractures | i will fall for your words) |
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| 11:03am 26/06/2005 |
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mood:  ditzy
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Xanec's are so much fun. I can hardly hold my eyes open cause I've got some what of a huge Zanny hangover. The best part is that I didn't forget or lose everything, like I normally do.
I hope all is well with Larry's dad. Too bad I'm too chicken shit to call. Much love to them if they could get the message.
John won't stop calling Tiffany cause she ran away from him last night and hopefully it's over...but I know it won't be. He's called approximately 215 times since last night. Wooooweeee!
It's 11:00am where's MK? Where's Holly?
Adios. |
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(1 fracture | i will fall for your words) |
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| I'm awake! |
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| 07:52am 25/06/2005 |
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mood:  geeky
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I'm awake because I can't sleep any longer. I had a crazy dream aboutsomeone from my past and it drives me nuts. I wish I could just stop. I know he doesn't want to talk to me and I need to get over it. I just want to be friends anyway and it's eating me apart. He'd never believe me, or probably even care.
Yesterday was fun. Josh and I spent the day at his mom's house and helped Jack put up their new pool. Lisa cooked steaks, potatoes, and corn on the cob for dinner and it was yummy.
My mom comes back the 28th and I'm not ready.
I wish I had some pot. It would put me back to sleep til Josh wakes up. I don't wanna sit here by myself anymore. |
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(i will fall for your words) |
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| 05:48pm 19/06/2005 |
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mood:  cranky
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It's the little things about the little people in my little life that annoy the shit out of me. I wish sometimes that no one gave a shit about my personal life, and really most people shouldn't. I'm not pushing my way into your business, so stay the fuck out of mine.
Sassy is here with me until Josh gets bailed out. Stupid Oklahoma fuckers. We were camping and Josh went to get more beer after he'd had about 3 and had eaten 2 big plates of chili and a burger from McDonalds. After the beer store in Fort Smith he stopped right across the bridge in Moffett, OK at the headshop to buy a pack of blueberry papers. Pulling out onto the bypass the cops pull him over for leaving the headshop parking lot. Seeing Josh's passenger's open beer, they arrested them both, searched the car, and now they are stuck with this:
Public Intoxication
Possession of a controlled substance (2!! seeds)
Possession of drug paraphenalia (papers)
Possession of a concealed weapon (brass knuckles)
Open container
Contributing to the delinquency of a minor (his friend only)
Bail is set at $2,310 Cash only.
The way their court handles the problem is that if you plead not guilty to your charges you are forced to sit in this bullshit jail until July 27th (the court date), at which time you try to make the judge see things your way and you may or may not end up having to pay the money anyway. Otherwise, plead guilty and pay the money up front and have that be the end of it. Hopefully when he talks to the judge 72 hours from when he was arrested and tells him he has 1/2 the $ now the judge will let him go and pay off the remaining $1,155.
God damn. Life sucks for him right now.
I hate it when people think that they can NEVER EVER EVER be wrong. I wasn't even trying to say that and you flipped your shit and that's stupid. Stupid is as stupid does.
Lucy is on her way over and I'm excited! |
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(i will fall for your words) |
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| 04:48pm 16/06/2005 |
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mood:  gloomy music: Tim McGraw & Faith Hill - It's Your Love
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I just gotta letcha know, what it is that won't let me go...
Every moment that you don't spend thinking of me, is exactly that many more moments that I'm better off without you. The tricky part is that every minute you don't spend thinking of me, is that many more that I spend thinking of you
I'm going 'round and 'round in my head here. Being alone is good for me. I need to listen to me for a change anyway. I've been preaching it for as long as I can remember, but yet I still can't just act on it.
My mom is gone until the 28th.
I am slowly going crazy, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 switch.
Gotta put the clothes in the dryer. Tata. |
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(2 fractures | i will fall for your words) |
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| 10:07pm 13/06/2005 |
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mood:  tired
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My head is cluttered and I can't find a way to find some relief. I think it might be like blue balls. All that anticipation and work-up for no release. And then you're just stuck standing there, like a deer in headlights. I'm feeling like all these hasty decisions I'm making are not what I really should be worried about. I need to focus on me, and if a relationship happens, it happens. I don't need to worry about it. I'm caught up in guys and that's a horrible thing to be caught up in. A woman should be able to stand indendent of her man, or woman. Where the hell did my head go? I've got to get a job and get a life. I'm 20 years old and fading fast. God, help me. |
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(1 fracture | i will fall for your words) |
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| 03:53pm 03/06/2005 |
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mood: gloomy music: Modest Mouse - Trailer Trash
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So today of all days is June 3rd and in exactly 4 days I will have been to court for some bullshit charges in Prairie Grove. Contributing to the delinquincy of a minor and possession of drug paraphenalia, both of which shouldn't have applied to me. I was outside of the house, not drinking or smoking, getting ready to head home and the police pull up. Life sucks. I'll get stuck with some fines I'm sure but hopefully no criminal charges. When the bong is claimed I shouldn't be guilty for it anyway.
It's been a long time. I met someone new and then decided it wasn't such a hot idea, so broke it off, not really giving it a good enough chance. He wasn't right. But then again, who is?
Josh played a song for me and now I can't get it out of my head. I'm glad he's not completely out of my life. He still makes me so happy. But for now I need to be single, and I'm sure I can manage to stay that way.
Eating snow flakes with plastic forks
And a paper plate of course
you think of everything
Short love with a long divorce
And a couple of kids of course
They don't mean anything
Live in trailers with no class
goddamn I hope I can pass
high school means nothing
Taking heartache with hard work
Goddamn I am such a jerk
I can't do anything
And I shout that you're all fakes
And you should have seen the look on your face
And I guess that's what it takes
When comparing your bellyaches
And it's been a long time
Which agrees with this watch of mine
And I know that I miss you
And I'm sorry that I dissed you
-Modest Mouse |
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(i will fall for your words) |
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| 11:35am 21/02/2005 |
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mood: high music: Korn - Twist
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So I guess it was 11:35 when I opened this page, but now it's 11:39 and I've only just begun.
I've got 2 days left until my mom comes home from vacation. MK never came over to get in the hot tub, but I don't really feel bad cause I didn't get in the hot tub either. Well, once. I do feel bad though, because she really wanted to. I've been slowing cleaning the place back up, because yeah, I cleaned and let it get bad again. I've been doing laundry all morning, and now I'm waiting on someone to go with me to the pet store. I want to get a new Beta tank and get Sassy a new leash and collar. Maybe I'll take her on a walk today. It's so pretty outside.
Nathalie and Heidi got a new puppy yesterday. They brought her over to see me yesterday afternoon and she's so freakin' cute. Her name is Teegan (spelling?) and she's a german shephard/sharpe` mix. She's gonna be big, smart, and wrinkly.
My brother and sister-in-law wanted me to stay at their house last night with their dogs and then they show up like 3 hours after I get there and tell me that Brandi's sick and they're gonna stay there after all. At least they gave me some gas money I guess.
I got my tongue re-pierced and it's starting to not be so fat. I don't remember what it felt like the first time, but I know it hurt the second time. Hopefully it's pierced at a better angle this time and it won't bug me.
Hahaha--you wouldn't believe how many people's hobbies are getting stoned! Yahoo!Messanger is funny. Yay for weed! At least it's not crank! |
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(i will fall for your words) |
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| 11:03am 18/02/2005 |
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mood: content music: Ani Difranco - When Doves Cry
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I'm becoming quite the little chef as I've prepared approximately 4 meals this week. That's a feat. Cooking and I don't really belong in the same kitchen together and it doesn't usually turn out pretty. I made homemade spaghetti sauce a minute ago and it tastes fucking scrumptious. Now I guess I did make it a little early. Gotta sit here and wait til Josh comes home fer lunch.
My mother comes home in 5 days I think, and I can't seem to keep the house clean. It's probably because I clean my things, and then my house guests enjoy making messes. I've been cleaning mostly since 7:45 this am and damn, it feels good to be a gangsta. It's starting to look better in here and my clutter anxiety is rapidly getting better too.
Josh and I are going to get something pierced today. I might get my tongue, because he wants his eyebrow. Plus, I'm starting a new job soon and I don't know how they feel about piercings. If they could pierce your nose with a stud I probably would get my nose done--but I've already had my eyebrow, tongue, and belly button so it's hard to decide. Eh, oh well. I need a 2nd opinion.
I just smoked a bowl outta the bong and I'm almost super stoned. *Smiles* I guess one more won't hurt.
Up, up, and AWAY! |
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(i will fall for your words) |
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| 11:10am 14/02/2005 |
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mood:  loved music: Rammstein (don't know how to spell it)
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Good morning good morning. It's a lovely Valentine's morning here in this lovely little town. Woke up next to my lovely, and now he's making me breakfast, and it's lovely. :oD
Gonna take Sassy to the park maybe, or on a drive. Either way I'll be content. Gotta feed Petey or he's not gonna like me.
I wonder if pancakes are done! |
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(i will fall for your words) |
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| 10:34pm 13/02/2005 |
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mood: cranky
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I really bad hate clutter and it seems to just be multiplying. I just spent a good 45 minutes cleaning up my bedroom alone. Ugh, I hate messes. Any fuckin' way.
Tiffany should get off her high horse and come back to reality. Unlike my family I don't feel that I am the one to tell Tiffany of her wrong-doings, but god *sigh*, I sure wish I could. Even if I stood in front of her screaming as loud as could what I wanted her to hear she'd hear it differently and be mad that I even had feelings. That's a fucked up thing--to be mad at someone for having feelings. That's how I feel sometimes. Like I'm wrong for thinking, or feeling, or wanting. When is it my turn?
My beta, Petey, is flourishing here.
Now I wish I could scream. |
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(i will fall for your words) |
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| 10:30am 13/02/2005 |
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mood: high music: Gravity bong
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So I'm kind of looking forward to hanging out at home today. It would be nice to have some company, but that will be my own fault I guess. Doing some laundry again while I wait for the urge to get up and get dressed or smoke or something. Maybe that's what I'll do now. I'm multi-talented so I can keep typing.
Valentine's Day is tomorrow and chances are I won't get a present, but I hope at least I get to spend the day the way I want to. I'll make sure and do that, because it's MY v-day and I should hang out and love ME!
I painted Sassy's nails this morning whore red and she knows she's such a pretty dog.
EHHHHHHHHHH. |
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(i will fall for your words) |
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chawna_louise's journal
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